Can you imagine an alien guide to keeping humans as pets? It might have such advice as:

1. Choose a container 10X as long as the are. Bigger is better but in pactical terms they can survive in a container not much larger than they are for years.

2. Sometimes they just seem to get bored and die. A mirror or swing makes a great plaything! They just love playing with them.

3. Change the air once a week. In a natural environment you may never need to change the air. Just add a plant or two. But, if they're very lethargic you maybe overdue for an air change!

4. Don't worry about thier waste, beneficial bacteria will consume them eventually. If it smells really bad scrape out the obvious excess waste.

5. You may be lucky enough to get some very small life forms that buzz and fly with your humans who take great delight in playing with them with their hands. Isn't this hobby great?

6. If they get sick they usually die. This happens. Experiment with various toxic chemicals. If you find a cure you'll advance the hobby immeasurably. We'd love to hear of your findings!

7. Breeding has only been documented with photographs a small number of times. One male to several females sems to work best but don't leave the male in there very long. They do not breed well in captivity and long term arrangements such as this seem to be delitereous to both sexes despite initial apparant enthusiasm. Avoid bright lights with photographing them breeding act, it's almost like they know we're watching them (they don't, of course, their brains are not large enough).

8. They often give birth to new ones but seldom survive. Occasionally one does. This gives us hope we can improve the number of captive bred stock so as to diminish collection from the wild.

9. They seem to do better on a varied diet. Try to use 2 or 3 different paste foods and suppliement with whatever local live food that is small enough to be eaten. They seem to like the variety.

10. Make sure their enclosure is tightly closed. Despite the near optimal environnment we give them they foolishly try to escape. Of course our atmosphese kills them very quickly so be careful.

11. Sometimes other creatures can be kept with them, but it's uncertain what is compatible. Sometimes your colony will decrease in numbers. The one that's left should not be kept with other humans as they are incompatible. Be careful with the long thin ones that slither. While some people have had great success, others report near instant fatalities. There is much to learn here!

12. Dying humans can be fed to these incompatibe creatures, it's the only humane thing to do (it's fun to watch them eat!), although some people are squeemish about this and resort to the tried and true method of slamming them against a solid object or quickly cutting their heads off - which can be difficult to do in one go. Don't worry, they're incapable of feeling pain.

13. You would almost guess sometimes from the looks on their faces that they're intelligent and are trying to communicate. They're neither of course, they're just humans and are much better off in our care then in their natural environment.

14. In the wild they are found in a variety of environments: hot, cold, arid, jungle, but they're all the same species and for the most part do very well together.